Epic biography is epic.

So as I mentioned in my previous post, I started my new class this week. Part of the first week's assignments is to write a 300-500 word introduction for the rest of our classmates to get to know who we are. Though I'm in school to be a writer, one of the things I loath is writing about myself (and yet I blog. About my life. Yes, I see the irony.) Anyways, the thought of writing a generic biography about myself and my hobbies bores me nearly to tears. As a result, I reached out to the lovely Melynda for assistance. She agreed, and wrote probably the most wonderful, epic biography anyone has ever written about me. I felt the need to share this with the world, as it must be read.

Coincidentally, it's all true. Honest.


Though no one know s exactly where Jessica Mulholland was born, there has been more than enough speculation. Some say she was raised by wildlife, foraging for her meals of twigs, berries, and small animals; others surmise that it was Shaolin Monks, still some insist that her existence is not of this planet. Whatever the circumstances of her unique upbringing, it’s safe to say it was anything but normal.
With an intellect that never ceases to astonish, Jessica expresses a superhuman capacity for patience as she attends a school that has her constantly surrounded by people who make up the category directly underneath “imbecilious bafoon”. The fact that she has yet to point out the flaming ignorance around her demonstrates that Jessica has a heightened sense of compassion that most mere mortals cannot grasp.
Through a well-polished persona, Jessica successfully mingles with normal people without ever making anyone feel unequal. With a quick wit, smile, and sense of humor that is tough to rival, she blends in well in social situations like a chameleon.
Jessica’s lifetime accomplishments include various humanitarian missions to Ecuador, the invention of the t.v tray, and perhaps her biggest accomplishment came in the form of the envelope. Until Jessica’s mysterious arrival in our world, envelopes were sealed with fancy wax labels. Jessica was the mastermind behind the current method. After an abrupt envelope-licking frenzy in a stationary store somewhere in Spokane, word of her genius got out. This singularly impressive accomplishment has earned her a national holiday (Envelope Day, 22 Feb), a prestigious picture on the box of most envelopes, and an honorary seat at the annual Envelop Licking contest held in Spokane. It is said that Jessica still quite enjoys the taste of envelopes and is working with jones Soda Co. out of Seattle to make Envelope it’s next official flavor.

You're welcome.